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If I didn't have dogs.....
1) I could walk around safely barefoot in the dark;
2) My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated;
3) All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free
of dog hair;
4) When the doorbell rang, it wouldn't sound like the SPCA
kennels;
5) When the doorbell rang, I could get to the door without wading
thru four or five dog bodies who beat me there;
6) I could sit how I wanted to on the couch without taking into
consideration where several little furbodies would need to
get;
7) I would not have strange presents under my tree....like dog
bones, stuffed animals and have to answer to people why I wrap them
up;
8) I would not be on a first name basis with a vet;
9) Most used words in my vocabulary would not be: potty, outside,
sit, down, come, no, and leave him/her ALONE;
10) My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby
gates;
11) My purse would not contain things like poop pick up bags and
dog treats;
12) I would no longer have to spell the world B-A-L-L and
F-R-I-S-B-E-E;
13) I would not buy weird things to stuff into "kongs", or have to
explain why I'm buying them, or what a "kong" is;
14) I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as
outside;
15) I would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE
dog ties them down too much;
16) I would not have to answer the question why do I have so many
dogs from people who will never have the joy in their life of
knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an
angel as they will ever get. Who else has a friend who considers
you the MOST important thing in the whole wide world all the
time.
Author Unknown
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Marking Up My Winter Wonderland
(sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white,
I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee,
It's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my Turf,
This small piece of Earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.
Author Unknown
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The Life of a Puppy
From the website http://www.irishdogs.ie.
This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great."
Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."
Mom took me outside; we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass, I ate something weird -
it gave me gas.
I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.
That obedience book was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right, When Mom found it later,
I was well out of sight.
I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick-but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past, She stopped-shook her
head, and breathed, "You're too fast."
Mamma later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord, She thought I
was mad, but I was just bored.
When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore, That's when my tushy
got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.
That didn't last long, there was too much to do- Can't quite
remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea, I watched the dumb
squirrels as they jumped in a tree.
I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mamma fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."
The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy: we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms, I woo-wooed,
"Hello," then jumped in his arms.
Sitting under the table - it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys, Ricocheted off
the furniture, and made lots of noise.
Mom found her purse - the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low; I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY girl, it must be her double!"
Mom turned off the TV, and said, "Time for bed."
Dad said, "Let's go girl," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.
Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below, Then let loose a
sigh-a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight, And whispered so softly,
'My darling goodnight'
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Dear Dogs:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else,not switch positions
with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and
dish,nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because
I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest
extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not
necessary to claw, whine,try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not
mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I
cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
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I
My life is likely to last ten to fifteen years. Any separation from
you will be painful for me. Remember that before you aquire
me.
II
Give me time to understand what you want from me.
III
Place your trust in me. Remember that before you aquire me.
IV
Don't be angry at me for long and don't lock me up as punishment.
You have your work, your friends, and your entertainment. I ONLY
HAVE YOU!
V
Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words. I
understand your voice when it is speaking to me. Be aware that
however you treat me, I will never forget.
VI
Remember before you hit me that I have teeth than can easily crush
the bones in your hand, but I choose NOT TO BITE YOU.
VII
Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy,
ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I don't
understand what you ask of me or perhaps I am not feeling well, not
getting the right food, been out in the sun too long, or my heart
is getting old and weak.
VIII
Take care of me when I get old, you too will grow old.
IX
Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say "I can't bear to watch"
or "let it happen in my absence". EVERYTHING IS EASIER IF YOU ARE
THERE.
X
REMEMBER I LOVE YOU!
Author Unknown
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Darwyn’s Learning Curve
Riding in a car. 1. Oh, help, if I get in that big scary thing, I'll die! 2. Okay, I'll sit here if I have to, but I'd rather be running with my buddies. 3. Oh, neat, my new human has stretched a blanket over the seat. Now I'm safe under it in a cave. I can go to sleep. 4. Eek! What's that horrible growling next to the car? It's an eighteen wheel predator! It's going to eat me! 5. Oh, there's another of those growling things, no biggie. 6. Was that a growling thing? Who cares? I'm going back to sleep. 7. The blanket is fun to tug on. Oh, look, I've got it down. I guess I'll just sleep on it.
Peeing and pooping on lead. 1. They can't be serious. It's not natural to do it on lead. They can't make me. I can walk for hours longer than they can. 2. Okay, they caught me right after a meal and a long drink of water, and boy they can walk a lot longer than I thought they could. Well, I'll just sneak a quick pee in when they aren't looking. They can't make me poop, though. 3. Uh, oh, they can make me poop. They stuck something in my backside that gave the urge. I pooped. 4. I guess I can pee and poop on lead, but not with other dogs or eighteen wheel predators around. 5. Well, the other dog isn't so bad--I wait for her to do it first, and then I know it's okay. 6. When you come right down to it, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Might as well. Those predators have never shown much interest in me for all their growling.
Going through a dog door. 1. Don't make me! That thing is lethal! If I go near it, I'll die! 2. Is that the other dog going through it? Where did she disappear to? I'd better check. 3. Here she comes back out, and it doesn't seem to have hurt her any. 4. There she goes back in. I bet she is opening the door for me. I'll just slip in under her tuckup and go in at the same time. 5. Uh, oh, I'm inside and I want to be outside. I'll just push on the dog door and see if it moves. Hey, presto! I have my head out. One foot, two feet, three feet, four feet, tail, and I'm out. 6. Let's see how fast I can get through this thing. Whee! In! Out! In! Out! In! Out!
Being crated. 1. What's that thing in the middle of the floor? Looks dangerous. I'd better stay away from it. 2. Why are the treats being tossed closer to the scary thing? 3. Help! Murder! Police! I've been shoved in the scary thing. They've shut the door! 4. What's this in here with me? A bone? Well, I know what to do with bones. Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew. 5. There's the open door again, and I can see my bone inside. I guess I'll settle down for another chew.
Staying in a motel. 1. Whee! I've been good all day in the car and now I'm free! Chew the soap! Toss the towels! Tug the bedspread! 2. Oh, no! There's the lead again. She's snapping it on, and making me get on the bed with her. 3. I can entertain myself fine up here, too. I'll chew on her fingers. 4. Why is she saying, remind me again why I got you? Doesn't she know finger chewing is fun? 5. Oops, guess I overdid it. Here's the crate. 6. It's sure quiet and peaceful in here. Sleepy . . . sleeping.
Darwyn
Vanna Condax
Copyright (c) 2011 Vanna Condax.
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